All I want for Christmas....

Merry Christmas everyone!!! I can not believe that it is Christmas time again. This time last year I had just started back at work, gone through a VERY recent divorce, and had a child diagnosed with developmental delays. Flash forward one year and I now am in the same job but a new city, am struggling to save a relationship with a man that I care for more than I ever realized, and still strive everyday to aid and assit my little "special" child with everyday tasks and challenges.

God has been at work in my life this year, but sometimes we truly have to take a step back to see it. Life can be so "all-consuming" that we often fail to notice the ways he is working on a daily basis. For example, I get caught up in my job so much that I fail to give thanks for the beauty of having a stable job to go to during this rough economy. I failed to take the time to be thankful to God for the ease in which my trasfer to Savannah happened. What a wonderful blessing that has been to my life. I also fail to stop and thank God for the miracles he is working in my son Ethan's life. I often only see the "failures" and the things that Ethan is lacking and I never stop to see just how many strides we have made in one years time. When Ethan first was diagnosed in November 2009, he could not answer a question, repeated everything he heard, and was almost completely incapable of having even the slightest of conversations. Now this little angel can answer you properly, can speak in more direct sentences and be more concise, can talk about relevant things happening in the world around him, and can love on you and express his emotions more appropriately. What a miracle this is. God is SO good!!!

So it's Christmas time again and I want to remember when I close my eyes tonight that I do truly have so much to be thankful for.

And as for that special man in my life, I seek God's guidance and wisdom to form me and help me become the woman that I truly need to be so that I can be a partner for the man that I love. I have run scared, made countless mistakes, acted out of fear of the unknown, and ultimately pushed away the one person that I love so dearly. I know we can not go through our days punishing ourselves and I try to focus instead on making things right within myself so that I can make things right with him as well. Keith, I have failed you, dissappointed you, hurt you, let you down, and taken your goodness for granted. However, I have loved you, cried for you, prayed incessantly, hoped for the things that you wanted and regretted the things that went wrong a long the way. You are my best friend and I miss you so very much....more and more with each passing day. My Christmas wish this year is just you....all I wanted to have this Christmas was you!

God Bless all my friends and family. I pray that it has been a wonderful Christmas day filled with love and family.

Brittney

Here without you....

Can it really already be Wednesday? Is Christmas really only a few short days away? Although I treasure the time we have at Christmas, the true meaning of Christmas, the worship with friends and family....this year I know that I will also feel the loneliness of you not being here beside me.

I remember how we would talk about the upcoming holiday. You were always excited about shopping for the kids and all the wonderful toys you were going to help buy them. We would talk about how fun it was going to be when they would wake up and see what Santa had brought. I dont want to go through this Christmas without you. I want to share this wonderful day with you. I want you to be there when the little squeals of delight start and I want you to see the amazement on their little faces. This moment will not be as special without you.

I came across this verse today: "Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever" (Psalm 136:26)....and I started thinking about true enduring love. What it means to me....to actually have an "enduring" love. I love you with an enduring love, Keith. I pray for you constantly, I weep for you and how I wish you were here, and I think of you often hoping that you are well, safe, happy. I want you to know every minute of every day how much I love you...but I know that I can not always be there to tell you or to show you. I want you to know that my love endures.

You once said we suffer for the things that we do. I know that I too am suffering for the things that I have done. I love you so dearly and hope that you never forget how much you are loved or missed.

"Here without you...."

Brittney

Hurting....

Everyone, I am quite sure, has dealt with hurt one time or another in their lives. What happens when that hurt is self inflicted? What happens when you take something SO precious....and you mess it up....even though your intentions were never bad?

I want to start by talking about a man I know, a man I love, a man I adore. This man is a good man, an honest man, a friendly man, a caring man. Someone who puts others before himself. This man has at times been dealt rough hands, but he always handles it with the grace that God has given him. He always sees past the clouds to a brighter day.

This past year has been a challenge for me. I have been through a divorce, had a child diagnosed with special needs, dealt with a diva (lol), moved to a brand new city, and above all else found the love of my life. However, through the challenges that life has presented, instead of treasuring this man the way I should have, I became a turtle locked away in my own shell, dealing with my issues myself, and never letting him in to help me. I know on the outside he knew that I loved him, but why did I take for granted that he really "knew" that I loved him?

I pushed this precious man away...until now...he is in a state of confusion wondering whether or not he can love me, trust me, be back together with me. I want nothing more than to make up for the way I have acted....my shortcomings. I want to show him what he truly means to me. I dont want to be scared, vulnerable, or fearful about the future. I dont want to hold back another minute. I want to grab him, love him, hold on and never let go.

Now....if only he would have me?????