All I want for Christmas....

Merry Christmas everyone!!! I can not believe that it is Christmas time again. This time last year I had just started back at work, gone through a VERY recent divorce, and had a child diagnosed with developmental delays. Flash forward one year and I now am in the same job but a new city, am struggling to save a relationship with a man that I care for more than I ever realized, and still strive everyday to aid and assit my little "special" child with everyday tasks and challenges.

God has been at work in my life this year, but sometimes we truly have to take a step back to see it. Life can be so "all-consuming" that we often fail to notice the ways he is working on a daily basis. For example, I get caught up in my job so much that I fail to give thanks for the beauty of having a stable job to go to during this rough economy. I failed to take the time to be thankful to God for the ease in which my trasfer to Savannah happened. What a wonderful blessing that has been to my life. I also fail to stop and thank God for the miracles he is working in my son Ethan's life. I often only see the "failures" and the things that Ethan is lacking and I never stop to see just how many strides we have made in one years time. When Ethan first was diagnosed in November 2009, he could not answer a question, repeated everything he heard, and was almost completely incapable of having even the slightest of conversations. Now this little angel can answer you properly, can speak in more direct sentences and be more concise, can talk about relevant things happening in the world around him, and can love on you and express his emotions more appropriately. What a miracle this is. God is SO good!!!

So it's Christmas time again and I want to remember when I close my eyes tonight that I do truly have so much to be thankful for.

And as for that special man in my life, I seek God's guidance and wisdom to form me and help me become the woman that I truly need to be so that I can be a partner for the man that I love. I have run scared, made countless mistakes, acted out of fear of the unknown, and ultimately pushed away the one person that I love so dearly. I know we can not go through our days punishing ourselves and I try to focus instead on making things right within myself so that I can make things right with him as well. Keith, I have failed you, dissappointed you, hurt you, let you down, and taken your goodness for granted. However, I have loved you, cried for you, prayed incessantly, hoped for the things that you wanted and regretted the things that went wrong a long the way. You are my best friend and I miss you so very much....more and more with each passing day. My Christmas wish this year is just you....all I wanted to have this Christmas was you!

God Bless all my friends and family. I pray that it has been a wonderful Christmas day filled with love and family.

Brittney

Here without you....

Can it really already be Wednesday? Is Christmas really only a few short days away? Although I treasure the time we have at Christmas, the true meaning of Christmas, the worship with friends and family....this year I know that I will also feel the loneliness of you not being here beside me.

I remember how we would talk about the upcoming holiday. You were always excited about shopping for the kids and all the wonderful toys you were going to help buy them. We would talk about how fun it was going to be when they would wake up and see what Santa had brought. I dont want to go through this Christmas without you. I want to share this wonderful day with you. I want you to be there when the little squeals of delight start and I want you to see the amazement on their little faces. This moment will not be as special without you.

I came across this verse today: "Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever" (Psalm 136:26)....and I started thinking about true enduring love. What it means to me....to actually have an "enduring" love. I love you with an enduring love, Keith. I pray for you constantly, I weep for you and how I wish you were here, and I think of you often hoping that you are well, safe, happy. I want you to know every minute of every day how much I love you...but I know that I can not always be there to tell you or to show you. I want you to know that my love endures.

You once said we suffer for the things that we do. I know that I too am suffering for the things that I have done. I love you so dearly and hope that you never forget how much you are loved or missed.

"Here without you...."

Brittney

Hurting....

Everyone, I am quite sure, has dealt with hurt one time or another in their lives. What happens when that hurt is self inflicted? What happens when you take something SO precious....and you mess it up....even though your intentions were never bad?

I want to start by talking about a man I know, a man I love, a man I adore. This man is a good man, an honest man, a friendly man, a caring man. Someone who puts others before himself. This man has at times been dealt rough hands, but he always handles it with the grace that God has given him. He always sees past the clouds to a brighter day.

This past year has been a challenge for me. I have been through a divorce, had a child diagnosed with special needs, dealt with a diva (lol), moved to a brand new city, and above all else found the love of my life. However, through the challenges that life has presented, instead of treasuring this man the way I should have, I became a turtle locked away in my own shell, dealing with my issues myself, and never letting him in to help me. I know on the outside he knew that I loved him, but why did I take for granted that he really "knew" that I loved him?

I pushed this precious man away...until now...he is in a state of confusion wondering whether or not he can love me, trust me, be back together with me. I want nothing more than to make up for the way I have acted....my shortcomings. I want to show him what he truly means to me. I dont want to be scared, vulnerable, or fearful about the future. I dont want to hold back another minute. I want to grab him, love him, hold on and never let go.

Now....if only he would have me?????

Savannah Bums

So..it has literally been forever since I have posted something on here. I still log on often and read about everything going on in everyone's lives, but I often forget to update anything about my crew.

So here it is in a nutshell....

We have been in Savannah going on 4-months now and it has been a great change. I work with some great people, found a cute little house for me and the kiddies, and found a really great christian daycare that is literally a stones throw from my office door.

Kids have adjusted well to being here. I think they know that home is wherever Mommy is. Ethan is really enjoying his school. He went from having 22 other kids in his class to now only having about 8 so he gets a lot of individual attention and feel comforted knowing he is being watched carefully.

Ella Grace is only 1 of 4 in her class. Her teachers love and dote on her all the time. How could they not when she is so cute and cuddly. She is walking/running everywhere, is in to everything she sees, and is learning a few words slowly but surely. She eats everything in sight but somehow manages to be a little string bean - GO FIGURE!

We are in the process now of trying to get Ethan's doctors/therapies relocated to Savannah but that has been a tremendous undertaking. I am still not quite sure what to think about all of it...since no one here is really someone I can go to and ask about their experiences with said Doctor or said Therapist...

Ethan is progressing a little more each day. We still continue to seek God's patience and understanding as this is such a trying and taxing process - but one well worth it in the end.

Hope all is well with my dear Friends!

Brittneyhttp://http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=651592783

Praying....

Tomorrow is the day we take Ethan to see the Pediatric Specialist and my nerves have never been more on edge. I am ready to get a firm diagnosis but at the same time I do not want to face the reality of what lies ahead. I am not in denial....far from it....but I just want for one more night to pretend this isn't happening. I count my blessings every night for I know I am fortunate to have two beautiful children, however as a parent you can not help but want better for your child. You can not help but want to take it on yourself and make it all go away for them - essentially make the world a perfect little place for them to enjoy. I look at my precious child and can not help but think that he deserves so much better than this. The guilt overwhelms me sometimes thinking that this could have been prevented had I done something differently.

I just ask any friends and family that may read this that you please lift Ethan up in a prayer tomorrow morning if you think about it. He is a precious, loving child, and I want to forever treasure and preserve him just as he is. I just wish I knew what the prognosis is for his life long-term and I wish I felt more equipped to handle it. I worry constantly that I will fail him.

I know we each have our own burdens to bear and our own worries but please let us always remember the innocence of these children that are so affected by these unknown and misunderstood disorder.

God Bless!

Brittney

A New Year and a New Beginning!

And so 2010 is underway.....

I spent New Years Eve like every year before since Ethan was born.....curled up on the sofa trying desperately to stay awake and failing miserably at it.

Would I love to be celebrating with friends and family? Of course.....but that time will come around again and for now my focus is on my children and the closeness I share with them.

As many of those of you that actually read this know....I just recently got divorced. That means 2010 and this New Year takes on a whole new meaning for me personally. I would never have chosen this path nor did I expect to ever be sitting in this position but now that I am I am making the best of what is left of the pieces of me.

Is that silly? That I am in pieces? Because I am....I have been attending a Divorce Care class and it was told to me that it will take me 5 years to properly grieve my divorce. 5 YEARS!!!!!! In 5 years both of my children will be in school. Can I really expect to be alone for that long? If so that seems mildly depressing. But I am hopeful that 2010 will be a time for healing and a time for moving on. I am not bitter, I am not resentful or angry.....I have given my marriage everything I can to try to save it at all costs and I am met by a brick wall. I will also be open to reconciliation for the sake of my beautiful children.....but for now and possibly forever.....I have put the past to rest.

On a better, happier note...My children are doing wonderfully. Ethan is thriving at his therapy and has started a new school which he seems to enjoy. Ella Grace is finally getting some hair and has sprouted two little teeth on her bottom gums. She is sitting up by herself but not crawling as of yet. I am blessed with these two little lives and they are my treasures. 2010 can throw whatever it may my way, my strength comes from wanting to be the best mother I can be to them.

God Bless everyone as we start off this New Year. May great things come to all of us!