To Brain Balance or not to Brain Balance.....

From August 1st until now my brain has been operating in total mush mode. Not because I am pregnant and can barely complete a thought before losing my train of thought....no it's because that is the day our Brain Balance journey began. I became familiar with the program about two years ago when we were in the midst of finding programs that best suited Ethan's needs. It was not somethiing I had ever heard of before and therefore it got put on the back burner of all the things I "NEED TO DO" but never seem to find a spare minute for. Flash forward to today and my ex-husband and I have had nurmerous discussions lately and feel as though we have hit a brick wall with Ethan and his current therapies. Thus enter Brain Balance again..... My current husband and I decided to pay out the money and go forward with the extensive evaluation process for Ethan. It would prove to be quite overwhelming when the results came back, but needless to say Ethan more than qualifies for their program and most definitely has an "identified" brain imbalance. I read their recommended material "Disconnected Kids," and I too came to the same conclusions that the people at Brain Balance did.....Ethan has a right brain disfunction.....but where does that lead....????? Joey and I attended the results meeting and I think we both agreed with the findings from the eval. Coupled with the severe issues we have been having this school year (despite being only 8 days in.....) and I think we were both ready to dive in to a new program with the hopes of seeing great results for Ethan. Well....that diving in would come with a hefty price tag and A LOT of changes and time commitments on our parts. For starters, the first 12-week program will cost us $9500.00 (insurance pays a whopping $0) and a lot of the beginning work would be done at home. Joey and I would be properly trained on excercises to do with Ethan 3X a day to eliminate his primitive reflexes which did not drop off naturally as he went from birth to toddlerhood. Ethan would then go 3 afternoons a week to their program and work exclusively on sensory and cognitive development skills designed solely to "build up" the right side of his brain. In addition, we would work very closely with a Nutritionist to develop a plan for Ethan...which will more than likely be Gluten and Casein Free. We will add suuplements that many children with neurological disorders are deficient in and we would get constant support from the Brain balance staff as we adjust to this new normal. WOW!!!!!! I dont think I have yet to catch my breath. I left feeling hopeful, intimidated, overwhelmed financially, scared, and utterly without a clue as to what the right thing to do was going to be. AND NOW....I sit here over a week later and I am still all of those things above, but mostly just OVERWHELMED by it all. I have spent all day today reading blogs of parents who's children are doing the program. I have studied GFCF eating and the things that must be eliminated ASAP from Ethan's diet (mostly every single thing he currently enjoys....) and we are still at a crossroads as to how to move forward. I am on the brink of just "going for it" because the reviews are amazing and the blogs of these mothers that have been incredible results made me tear up and want to grab Ethan and drive there right now! So instead....I type....because it is some sort of a release....and perhaps a friend will read this and know of someone who could share their testimony of Brain Balance with me and my family so we may make a more sound decision. Until then.....I will continue to worry, stress, fret over the decision we are faced with.....all the while knowing that the clock is ticking and we are losing precious time that we can not get back. Sitting on our thumbs will lead to nothing.....

Couponing....and ON BUDGET!!!!!

I was so lucky to be able to sit down this morning with two great women and discuss some great money-saving couponing tricks of the trade. I was pretty much prepared for my weekly shopping trip before heading there this morning, so I was not able to put my new found ideas to work just yet. However, I did set out this week with a strict goal of staying on budget even though I had to purchase some more expensive items like vitamins, pull ups, meat, and probiotics.

Being an avid Publix shopper, this week threw me for a loop because I decided early on that I was going to do ALL my shopping for this week at Kroger. This was motivated by the 10% off coupon that came in the mail to me last week. With my budget generally being in the range of $80-85 per week, that was an automatic savings of $8 or more. There was no way I was passing up FREE MONEY!!!!

This week, for those that don’t know, Kroger is running a BUY 10 selected items and get an automatic $3 off plus get a $2 off voucher to use on your next shopping trip. Through utilizing my coupons and this store offer, I was able to purchase all 10 of my items for a total of $19.02. These items were: (2) Campbell’s Chunky Soups, (1) large Aluminum Foil, (1) Jar Ragu Spaghetti Sauce, (1) pack of Oscar Meyer Hotdogs, (1) 4-pack Dannon Activia, (2) Degree Deoderants, (1) Purex Detergent, and (1) pack of Overnite Pull-ups.

Kroger is also running a deal this week on Tyson Chicken Breasts for $1.99lb. I was able to plan my meals according to this sale (Southwestern Chicken one night and Chicken with Egg Noodles another) all for a little more than $7.00 for all the meat. Kroger also has Stouffers Family Size dinners on sale this week for $5.99 therefore I scored with my $2 off coupon from last Sunday’s paper and purchased a Veggie Lasagna for this week for only $3.99. Throw in the garlic bread and salad fixings and dinner is on the table for well under $10!

If you are in the market for Vitamins or anything of that nature, then Kroger is the place to go. If you are not loyal to a name brand, you can always secure the Kroger brand Vitamins and Minerals of all sorts for BOGO! This is quite a deal when you think of how much one bottle of Vitamins actually cost. In addition, this week Kroger has Disney/Marvel Gummy Vitamins for kids on sale BOGO. Use the $1 off coupon from last Sunday’s paper…or use both $1 off coupons and secure these for $5.99 or $4.99. That’s awesome for 120 vitamins total!!! I also purchased the Kroger brand probiotics and got myself a 2-month supply for $8.99 because they were also BOGO! Other name brand probiotics can run from $13.99 all the way to $24.99 for only 1-month supply!

All in all this week was a success! I spent a total of $79.69, saved myself $60.46, for a grand total percentage of savings at 44%. My budget this week was $82 so I came in just under budget and also picked up a few items that were not on my original list. Aside from the above mentioned items I also purchased: grapes, bananas, zucchini, squash, a lemon, (2) cream of chicken soup, egg noodles, yellow rice, 12-pack diet pepsi, 2 cans chicken, gallon milk, American cheese slices, frozen garlic bread, salad veggies like pepper and cucumbers, honey graham sticks, and Dove Bar soap for my sweetie!

Can’t wait for next week to put some newly learned tricks to work and we shall see if my percentages improve!
Happy Couponing Everyone!!!!!

Happy Couponing

I almost did it….I was almost able to beat myself at the coupon/money saving game this week….but ultimately I was not able to make it happen. I originally had $86 to spend this week for my family. I set a personal goal to only spend $80 but ended up with a grand total of $86.83. Not too shabby in hindsight since I planned an extra special meal and dessert for Valentine’s Day night and bought the “have to have” red sprinkles to decorate my son’s sugar cookies for his class for Valentine’s Day!

Wouldn’t we all be a little bit richer if items such as fruit, vegetables, dairy, and meats were ever able to be purchased with coupons? My haul this week included strawberries, asparagus, zucchini, green onions, a large bag of baby carrots, a dozen eggs, 1 quart buttermilk, shredded cheese, sour cream, 12 oz of cream cheese, and 1 ½ lbs of top round steak….all of which I had to pay full price for. Fortunately places like Publix usually have great deals on a “fruit of the week” and their meat selection is usually phenomenal…not to mention their awesome buy one get one free deals. I would imagine, even with the discounts I am able to score at Publix, these above mentioned items take up at least ½ of my total cost every single week.

This week I scored some Arnold Country Bread for BOGO and some Breyers Ice Cream as well (hubby will be happy about that!!!!) They did have some other very good BOGO deals but I am married to my budget so I did not deviate and stock my cart with anything extra this week. I was however VERY tempted to utilize my ALL Detergent coupon, which expires in 2 days, but since I am married to my budget I had to let this one go. (side note: for those that don’t know, I am a closet laundry detergent addict….just ask my husband…..we currently possess 12 bottles and I am DYING to add to that!!!!)

Overall this was a rather successful week. Besides the staples that I mentioned earlier and the BOGO deals, I was also able to score a few frozen lunches for myself, snuggle dryer sheets, large bleach, butter sticks, golden mushroom soup, rice, a small thing of merlot (for cooking), heavy whipping cream, spaghetti noodles, paper towels, powdered sugar, white baking chocolate, prosciutto, splenda, coconut, Lays BBQ chips (for FREE!!!), cherry pie filling, a 12 pack of sodas, and those special red decorating sprinkles for one SUPER little man!!!

Total saved this week was $23.00. Could have been better….have had better weeks in the past but with Valentine’s Day coming I focused more on making my little loved ones a really awesome Valentine’s Dinner complete with a Cherry Frosted Red Velvet 3-layer cake (homemade )

And now that my mission for this week is completed, I am off to enjoy a very quiet evening alone watching “Mommy” shows and relaxing!
Happy Couponing Everyone!!!!

For the love of Independence....

I have been tossing around this statement in my head for weeks now….”how do you encourage children to become more independent?” Seems like a simple enough question and one would think a simple solution could be found…however I am convinced that the “solution” is far more difficult than meets the eye. Perhaps there are other moms pondering the exact same question or dealing with some of the same issues so I thought someone might read this and provide insight. If not, then at least I am getting my thoughts out of my own head and on to paper….well sort of…

I have never met children with more toys, games, movies, puzzles, and knick knacks as my two. They even have a somewhat broad imagination that comes to life in the form of wrestling and chasing each other endlessly throughout my house. They are a great age difference apart and are very fortunate to have a live-in playmate at all times. With that said, why is that I cannot pee, do laundry, fix myself a glass of water, load or unload the dishwasher, handle feminine needs, shower, change clothes, brush my hair or teeth, complete my makeup, have a simple phone conversation, walk to another room for a brief second, kiss my husband, or pretty much ANYTHING else without having them attached to my hip, leg, or foot or without them endlessly screaming my name!?!?!

I simply am not that fascinating nor do I feel that I have the ability to be an endless source of entertainment for 2 or 5 year olds. I do understand a child’s need for attention, affection, etc….but mine get all of that and more. I often find myself wondering why they can’t simply be out of my site for more than 3-5 minutes at a time without sending out a search party. I never knew silence could be so loved, so appreciated, as I do now when I get the small brief moments to myself.

I do not wish for this time to pass quickly for I know that it already is. My son is 5, in pre-k, and changing everyday in front of my eyes. My daughter is potty trained, outgrowing all her clothing, and totally developing a mind of her own. People say all the time, “do not wish this time away for you will miss it…” and I could not agree more. However, just this once, for the sake of my privacy, my vanity, my make-up, my pitiful hair jobs, my “mommy” clothes, my not wanting to answer the question….”mommy what is that” (pointing to my private area)….just this once….I would like them to have some independence!!!!!!

One Great Holiday

Where on earth has 2011 gone. Is that what happens when you find true happiness in your life….the days start to literally fly by. One year ago I was still in Savannah having just celebrated my first Christmas officially “out on my own.” I never would have guessed back then that I would be sitting here today…my life having done a complete 180.

We have truly been blessed this Christmas season. My husband and I are thoroughly enjoying married life, my children are happy and healthy, and God has provided for us immensely through this past year. We are still praying for some financial assistance for Ethan and his medical/therapy needs as they continue to mount and the need for additional services becomes evident as we near the crucial time of preparation for Kindergarten.

December completely flew by and before I could blink it was Christmas morning. We enjoyed many good moments in December, especially celebrating Ethan’s 5th birthday at the local bowling alley. The look of pure joy and excitement on his face was the highlight of the day. This was his first experience at bowling but it most definitely will not be his last. We also attended many Christmas events this season and were able to spend some true quality time with our families.

It has been such a joy this season to really just enjoy each other and our new little family. One of my favorite gifts this season was a precious ornament from my dear sister, Kristen, which symbolized our first Christmas together as a family. As we prepare for 2011 to come to an end, I am so excited about what lies ahead for me and my family in the New Year.

Random facts...compliments of Ethan and Ella Grace

Things that my children have taught me recently:

1) Girls actually CAN pee standing up like their Big Brothers do…although sometimes their socks end up wet.
2) If you eat too many grapes in one weekend you will actually poop out the grape skin
3) If you laugh like this…”AH HA HA” really deeply while swinging a baseball bat you are almost always successful.
4) There is nothing quite like waking up next to your 2-year old after they have crawled in your bed at 4am.
5) Children will scream out the names of every animal they see in a book while you try your best to read the story
6) No matter how young they are or old they get, telling a child that broccoli is a tree NEVER works
7) If you tell your daughter to stop bitching, she will proceed to walk around the house for the next five minutes saying “I bitch,” “I bitch…”
8) A stubborn little boy will still poop his pants and then sit sideways in his car seat to avoid having to feel it. ALL THIS because he refuses to poop in the potty. That’s determination right there…
9) No matter if you are going 5 hours or 5 feet, a child always wants to have a movie on in the car
10) When your daughter has a BAD diaper rash, squirting her off with the sink hose works just as well as wet wipes! So glad my creative fiancée` thought of that one!

Some things from this week....

Some things I have learned this week:

1) It is hard to watch your first born start his first day of PreK because you know that means that he is no longer your baby.
2) When you put on the PERFECT wedding dress your face lights up brighter than ever before.
3) I can throw together some darn good dinner with all the little “scrap” items lying around in my fridge and pantry.
4) A 4-year old can poop out things that look like bombs and smell like dead animals.
5) If you give children shampoo that comes out in a pump, they will GLADLY wash the walls of your tile shower with it.
6) Shoes are apparently very overrated when you are 2.
7) Jumping down 4-5 stairs at a time makes a child look like Superman….
8) Fly swatters that send electric shock to the fly when you hit it are BY FAR the coolest inventions ever.
9) A man who will shop with you 2-days in a row while you seek to find that perfect outfit is WORTH HIS WEIGHT IN GOLD!
10) A 2-year old is perfectly capable of sleep walking and freaking you out at 1:00am.
11) Hearing your child say “I love you” to your future spouse makes you overjoyed.
12) And lastly…from my sweet 2-year old daughter I have recently learned that Old McDonald has a bicycle, an Ethan, a cow and most importantly Chicken and French Fries!!!!

The "TWOS" have Hit Us!!!!

I love it when people ask how old my daughter is and I tell them “2” and they smile at me and say…”oh the TERRIFIC Twos….”
Well I decided that those people are crazy. Certifiably Crazy, Need to be Institutionalized Crazy, absolutely lost their marbles CRAZY!!!!!! My daughter is in the TERRIBLE twos and it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. My daughter came out of the womb having the terrible twos, or so I thought, until this past weekend rolled around. Suddenly my child who usually will sleep peacefully is now going through a stage where everything, AND I MEAN EVERYTHING, is a battle. For starters we no longer can allow anyone to do anything for her but Mommy. She wont nap without it being an hour long event just to soothe her to sleep and she wont sleep at night without being rocked and soothed until she is snoring. And don’t you dare leave the room before she is snoring because if you do, WWIII will ensue.
She has full-on tantrums about everything. When she wants something she tantrums, when she doesn’t want to do something she tantrums, when she wants you to do something she tantrums, when she wants you to stop doing something she tantrums, when she wants a toy she tantrums, when she is tired of playing with that toy she tantrums, when she wants juice she tantrums…because then she decides she wants milk…therefore ANOTHER tantrum. She will throw her food, her fork, her spoon, her cup, plastic bottles, her binky, whatever toy is close by, her blankie, and especially her shoes when she is upset with you.
Yesterday she was extremely defiant. She knows (for the most part) what is acceptable and what is not. For instance…peeing in the laundry room floor when she knows where her potty is = NOT ACCEPTABLE. Eating her butt cream/ointment and licking her lips while doing it = NOT ACCEPTABLE. Throwing her water bottle at Mommy in front of everyone at the pool = NOT ACCEPTABLE.
But she is cute…and she loves her Mommy…and when she holds my hand my heart melts completely. So I think she will probably live with me forever, because WHAT MAN would possibly tolerate all of that????

And there is my Ethan….who I think probably sits back, watches with pure delight as ALL the spankings and time outs are utilized on his sister. I think somewhere…in the back of his mind…he is grinning behind those sweet eyes 

Random Thoughts...

Struggles….life is full of them right? I mean on the outside it may appear that everything in your life is rosy…but deep down there are struggles that exist. I think we all go through the valleys and the mountains in our lives and we must somehow find personal strength to hold on when it gets hard.
I myself have been in this valley lately. I can not really go in to explicit detail the exact reason, but it is there and it is not going away. One thing that fuels this “valley” is guilt. Guilt for working full-time and allowing a daycare to raise my children. Guilt for not being able to be there for every little thing because I am dealing with work related issues. Guilt because my job/financial status has forced me to pull my child from weekly therapy (which he needs) in favor of bi-weekly therapy because its more affordable. Guilt because I have yet to be able to start my son in behavioral counseling because my work schedule and the therapist schedule do not blend. Guilt because the child I have worked so hard to train, finally had his first pee pee and poo poo successes at the hands of a daycare instructor. Guilt because my daughter has come home from school on three occasions with bite marks embedded in her little arms from a peer. Need I go on?
I wrote a quote on my mirror the other day…as a small reminder to “start making a life.” We get so caught up in the “things” of this world that we forget what actually matters. Perhaps this is all hitting me now because as of yesterday my mother reminded me that my precious first-born is starting school (prek) in two short weeks. My mind has wanted to stretch it out longer and longer. I think I was convinced that if I said, “oh school starts in 5 weeks” that I might actually be prolonging the inevitable. Either way, Ethan is nicely decked out with his Lightning McQueen book bag which swallows his little back but is darn precious never-the-less and he enjoys carrying it around although I am quite sure he thinks it is merely a toy and nothing more.
I want to take the time to really, truly, enjoy each moment of their childhood. I hope they enjoy being carefree and frivolous because unfortunately it will pass all too soon.
I need to be better about uploading some funny candid shots that have been captured over the summer of my little rugrats. These are the most precious memories I can have.
And as for those struggles…well there is nothing quite like sitting on my back deck with my thoughts…and doing the best I can to let it go. What you can not control, you can not worry about (shout out to Mimi on that one….)
And as for what I can control….well changes are coming. I just mentally gotta reach that finish line….

A big day for Ethan!

I got a call today for Ethan's school saying that they were coming out to his daycare class tomorrow, January 20, 2011, to screen/test him for Pre-K. I ended the call with butterflies...both good and bad.

You see last week I got a letter/report from his teacher saying that her recommendation at this time is that we hold Ethan back a year and have him repeat K-3 and allow him time to catch up with his peers socially...and since he is not potty-trained yet (though Mommy is desperately trying...) she said that might also be a hindrance to his advancement. I thought about this letter A LOT. Prayed about it A LOT. Yes I know Ethan has challenges, yes I know he struggles with language and self-help skills and social interactions, but I also know my child is very bright. Somewhere locked inside that shell there is a very bright little boy. Joey and I have often said "Let's push forward and see where this year takes us..." We have had that same attitude towards Pre-K as well. Ethan has developed leaps and bounds over the past year and I just feel like holding him back and having him be in another class with children younger than him might start a regressive pattern within him. So we push forward...and we pray that he gets accepted in to the program and is allowed time to grow and develop and see where next year (and a Pre-K environment) might take him.

So I ask that all friends and family please say a little prayer. This could be a huge stepping stone for Ethan and it also might quite possibly solidify our being in Savannah for awhile (yet another thing I keep praying on....)

Thanks to everyone who loves this little boy as much as I do.

Brittney

When God speaks....

Sadly to say I have never had an intense prayer life....that is until the past year turned my life upside down and I realized that the only person I can truly count on to listen, to love me when I am at my worst, and to uplift me is my Savior...

So I started praying. And praying. And praying. And although this past year has been a complete roller coaster for me, I have always felt like God's hand was controlling everything that happened to me. That always made me feel safe.

So now my life has reached another peak and I am scared to start the journey down the other side. As always, we have irrational fears of the unknown and of change but my fear this time has gone so much farther than that. For the first time in my life (and since I am a control freak this is a BIG DEAL....) I feel like God is speaking to me...telling me to breathe....to be patient....and to give it to him. So I have turned this "crucial" thing over to him knowing that he will protect me and see me through the other side. I can not explain the amount of peace I now feel. My Father knows the plans he has for me and even when I feel like I know what is best, he just calmly guides me towards the right path. So....I submit to the waiting....to allow God to mold me in to the person that I need to be to receive his blessings. He is not saying "No" but he is saying "the time is not right" and I can be at peace with that.

For those select friends that have held my hand and listened to my ramblings over the past few weeks I say a simple, thank you. Your love and support for me speaks volumes. God has blessed with the best of friends!!!

I pray that God is working a blessing right now in the lives of my dear friends and family. For all the good in life...to him be the glory.

Brittney

"Come"

Today the kids and I attended church at Richmond Hill First Baptist for the first time. If you follow my blog from time to time then you know the past month has been very challenging for me. I have been seeking God's guidance more than ever before. I have never been very good at allowing God to "lead" me. Instead I always want to "lead" him to have the things in my life that I want to see happen actually come to reality. It is humbling, not to mention trying, for a person with a TYPE A personality to learn to "Let GO and Let God....."

The message this morning was from Matthew 9:9-13...titled "Come" The speaker focused on how many times we as Christians think that we need to have our lives ALL together in order to be "right with God." Meaning we need to have our marriages together, we need to have our finances in order, we need to maintain healthy relationships and friendships, our kids need to be perfectly behaved, and we need to be living this lifestyle where all our ducks are always perfectly in a neat little row. The purpose of this message was to reiterate that NO ONE ever has all these things right in their lives. However, God did not want to be a savior to the PERFECT he wanted to be a savior to those that needed saving. That line really hit me. I NEED SAVING!!!! My marriage crumbled, I am in love with a man that I can not be with at this time, my finances are a total wreck, I dont always do a very good job of maintaining my relationships like I should, my kids struggle with behavior daily, and my ducks have long since wandered off path. I hurt, I struggle, I cry, and I seek out things in desperation at times...all the while God wants nothing more than to hold my hand and be my best friend through all the hurt, all the struggles and all the tears.

So this New Years, if you have heard nothing uplifting on which to start your New Years path then let that be the message you need to hear. "COME" to God with all your struggles, all your craziness in life, and all your imperfections because he wants to be the Savior for those that need saving. Dont wait for your marriage/relationship to be perfect, dont wait til all your finances are in order, dont wait til your kids are perfectly behaved....just come as you are with what you have and what you lack and he will love you through it despite of it all. Powerful words!

I am hopeful for a wonderful 2011. I seek God's guidance and his wisdom for my life. I pray for those that I love....that 2011 may be an incredible year for them as well.
And for that special man that holds my heart....and always will....I pray for "all the wonderful things that life has to offer and for every bit of happiness that a person can have...." and for you sweetheart...remember...."All my love....forever!"

God Bless!

Brittney

All I want for Christmas....

Merry Christmas everyone!!! I can not believe that it is Christmas time again. This time last year I had just started back at work, gone through a VERY recent divorce, and had a child diagnosed with developmental delays. Flash forward one year and I now am in the same job but a new city, am struggling to save a relationship with a man that I care for more than I ever realized, and still strive everyday to aid and assit my little "special" child with everyday tasks and challenges.

God has been at work in my life this year, but sometimes we truly have to take a step back to see it. Life can be so "all-consuming" that we often fail to notice the ways he is working on a daily basis. For example, I get caught up in my job so much that I fail to give thanks for the beauty of having a stable job to go to during this rough economy. I failed to take the time to be thankful to God for the ease in which my trasfer to Savannah happened. What a wonderful blessing that has been to my life. I also fail to stop and thank God for the miracles he is working in my son Ethan's life. I often only see the "failures" and the things that Ethan is lacking and I never stop to see just how many strides we have made in one years time. When Ethan first was diagnosed in November 2009, he could not answer a question, repeated everything he heard, and was almost completely incapable of having even the slightest of conversations. Now this little angel can answer you properly, can speak in more direct sentences and be more concise, can talk about relevant things happening in the world around him, and can love on you and express his emotions more appropriately. What a miracle this is. God is SO good!!!

So it's Christmas time again and I want to remember when I close my eyes tonight that I do truly have so much to be thankful for.

And as for that special man in my life, I seek God's guidance and wisdom to form me and help me become the woman that I truly need to be so that I can be a partner for the man that I love. I have run scared, made countless mistakes, acted out of fear of the unknown, and ultimately pushed away the one person that I love so dearly. I know we can not go through our days punishing ourselves and I try to focus instead on making things right within myself so that I can make things right with him as well. Keith, I have failed you, dissappointed you, hurt you, let you down, and taken your goodness for granted. However, I have loved you, cried for you, prayed incessantly, hoped for the things that you wanted and regretted the things that went wrong a long the way. You are my best friend and I miss you so very much....more and more with each passing day. My Christmas wish this year is just you....all I wanted to have this Christmas was you!

God Bless all my friends and family. I pray that it has been a wonderful Christmas day filled with love and family.

Brittney

Here without you....

Can it really already be Wednesday? Is Christmas really only a few short days away? Although I treasure the time we have at Christmas, the true meaning of Christmas, the worship with friends and family....this year I know that I will also feel the loneliness of you not being here beside me.

I remember how we would talk about the upcoming holiday. You were always excited about shopping for the kids and all the wonderful toys you were going to help buy them. We would talk about how fun it was going to be when they would wake up and see what Santa had brought. I dont want to go through this Christmas without you. I want to share this wonderful day with you. I want you to be there when the little squeals of delight start and I want you to see the amazement on their little faces. This moment will not be as special without you.

I came across this verse today: "Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever" (Psalm 136:26)....and I started thinking about true enduring love. What it means to me....to actually have an "enduring" love. I love you with an enduring love, Keith. I pray for you constantly, I weep for you and how I wish you were here, and I think of you often hoping that you are well, safe, happy. I want you to know every minute of every day how much I love you...but I know that I can not always be there to tell you or to show you. I want you to know that my love endures.

You once said we suffer for the things that we do. I know that I too am suffering for the things that I have done. I love you so dearly and hope that you never forget how much you are loved or missed.

"Here without you...."

Brittney

Hurting....

Everyone, I am quite sure, has dealt with hurt one time or another in their lives. What happens when that hurt is self inflicted? What happens when you take something SO precious....and you mess it up....even though your intentions were never bad?

I want to start by talking about a man I know, a man I love, a man I adore. This man is a good man, an honest man, a friendly man, a caring man. Someone who puts others before himself. This man has at times been dealt rough hands, but he always handles it with the grace that God has given him. He always sees past the clouds to a brighter day.

This past year has been a challenge for me. I have been through a divorce, had a child diagnosed with special needs, dealt with a diva (lol), moved to a brand new city, and above all else found the love of my life. However, through the challenges that life has presented, instead of treasuring this man the way I should have, I became a turtle locked away in my own shell, dealing with my issues myself, and never letting him in to help me. I know on the outside he knew that I loved him, but why did I take for granted that he really "knew" that I loved him?

I pushed this precious man away...until now...he is in a state of confusion wondering whether or not he can love me, trust me, be back together with me. I want nothing more than to make up for the way I have acted....my shortcomings. I want to show him what he truly means to me. I dont want to be scared, vulnerable, or fearful about the future. I dont want to hold back another minute. I want to grab him, love him, hold on and never let go.

Now....if only he would have me?????

Savannah Bums

So..it has literally been forever since I have posted something on here. I still log on often and read about everything going on in everyone's lives, but I often forget to update anything about my crew.

So here it is in a nutshell....

We have been in Savannah going on 4-months now and it has been a great change. I work with some great people, found a cute little house for me and the kiddies, and found a really great christian daycare that is literally a stones throw from my office door.

Kids have adjusted well to being here. I think they know that home is wherever Mommy is. Ethan is really enjoying his school. He went from having 22 other kids in his class to now only having about 8 so he gets a lot of individual attention and feel comforted knowing he is being watched carefully.

Ella Grace is only 1 of 4 in her class. Her teachers love and dote on her all the time. How could they not when she is so cute and cuddly. She is walking/running everywhere, is in to everything she sees, and is learning a few words slowly but surely. She eats everything in sight but somehow manages to be a little string bean - GO FIGURE!

We are in the process now of trying to get Ethan's doctors/therapies relocated to Savannah but that has been a tremendous undertaking. I am still not quite sure what to think about all of it...since no one here is really someone I can go to and ask about their experiences with said Doctor or said Therapist...

Ethan is progressing a little more each day. We still continue to seek God's patience and understanding as this is such a trying and taxing process - but one well worth it in the end.

Hope all is well with my dear Friends!

Brittneyhttp://http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=651592783

Praying....

Tomorrow is the day we take Ethan to see the Pediatric Specialist and my nerves have never been more on edge. I am ready to get a firm diagnosis but at the same time I do not want to face the reality of what lies ahead. I am not in denial....far from it....but I just want for one more night to pretend this isn't happening. I count my blessings every night for I know I am fortunate to have two beautiful children, however as a parent you can not help but want better for your child. You can not help but want to take it on yourself and make it all go away for them - essentially make the world a perfect little place for them to enjoy. I look at my precious child and can not help but think that he deserves so much better than this. The guilt overwhelms me sometimes thinking that this could have been prevented had I done something differently.

I just ask any friends and family that may read this that you please lift Ethan up in a prayer tomorrow morning if you think about it. He is a precious, loving child, and I want to forever treasure and preserve him just as he is. I just wish I knew what the prognosis is for his life long-term and I wish I felt more equipped to handle it. I worry constantly that I will fail him.

I know we each have our own burdens to bear and our own worries but please let us always remember the innocence of these children that are so affected by these unknown and misunderstood disorder.

God Bless!

Brittney

A New Year and a New Beginning!

And so 2010 is underway.....

I spent New Years Eve like every year before since Ethan was born.....curled up on the sofa trying desperately to stay awake and failing miserably at it.

Would I love to be celebrating with friends and family? Of course.....but that time will come around again and for now my focus is on my children and the closeness I share with them.

As many of those of you that actually read this know....I just recently got divorced. That means 2010 and this New Year takes on a whole new meaning for me personally. I would never have chosen this path nor did I expect to ever be sitting in this position but now that I am I am making the best of what is left of the pieces of me.

Is that silly? That I am in pieces? Because I am....I have been attending a Divorce Care class and it was told to me that it will take me 5 years to properly grieve my divorce. 5 YEARS!!!!!! In 5 years both of my children will be in school. Can I really expect to be alone for that long? If so that seems mildly depressing. But I am hopeful that 2010 will be a time for healing and a time for moving on. I am not bitter, I am not resentful or angry.....I have given my marriage everything I can to try to save it at all costs and I am met by a brick wall. I will also be open to reconciliation for the sake of my beautiful children.....but for now and possibly forever.....I have put the past to rest.

On a better, happier note...My children are doing wonderfully. Ethan is thriving at his therapy and has started a new school which he seems to enjoy. Ella Grace is finally getting some hair and has sprouted two little teeth on her bottom gums. She is sitting up by herself but not crawling as of yet. I am blessed with these two little lives and they are my treasures. 2010 can throw whatever it may my way, my strength comes from wanting to be the best mother I can be to them.

God Bless everyone as we start off this New Year. May great things come to all of us!

The pain of Divorce

Remember seesaws from when you were a kid.....well I have probably not been on one in 15 years or more....that is until the word DIVORCE entered in to my world. I am living an emotional seesaw where there are days of sunshine and days of total despair.

For those who do not know, and many of you probably do not, Joey and I are getting divorced. Everything should actually be finalized by the end of the year. I will not lay out the details and place blame on either party, but I will say that this is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I hurt for myself, for the memories, but mostly for my precious children. I feel like I am failing them in a critical way. I am being forced to make a decision that my children will have to live with for the rest of their lives.

As far as the future goes.....well it is certainly uncertain. I know the with prayer and time all wounds will heal and we will all move forward. I can only hope that my children are spared from the pain in the end.

On a brighter note, I got a new job. I will be starting as a Probation Officer with the Atlanta Southwest probation office on Wednesday. I am nervous about being a full-time working single mother but I know that God will provide a way when things seem so out of control for me.

Ethan starts seeing his new therapist this Monday and he will have a regular appt with her every Monday at 10am. Speech therapy will start after the first of the year. I would ask that you please continue to pray for him as he has such a long road still ahead.

If you could just lift my family up in your prayers. We are all hurting right now as I am sure you can imagine.

God Bless!

Still waiting....

I did forget about you blog family......I just do not have anything new to post right now. Ethan could not get in to therapy last week and we still not have the eval results back. As all you mothers out there know, we have to be the driving force behind things often just to get results.....so needless to say with a little "heck-raising" I got him scheduled for another session this Tuesday at 9:30am.

Stay posted and I will let you guys know how it turns out.

Praying for my baby til then.....